May 2011 - Ending the Toxic Two-Step of Negativity

Resources (links, books, articles, the lighter side)

May 2011 - Ending the Toxic Two-Step of Negativity

by Tom Terez

The moment I met Nancy (not her real name, for reasons that will soon become obvious), I had her pegged as Ms. Positive. Who else would wear a sweater embroidered with a bright-yellow sun and words like joy, dance and happiness? She literally wore her optimism — or so it seemed.

We engaged in pleasant chit-chat, then her friend (we’ll call him Steve) arrived. The three of us sat down for lunch and began talking, but by the time the food arrived, I was rendered invisible as Nancy and her colleague began an impassioned discourse on everything that was going wrong at work.

I could barely keep up with their back-and-forth of negativity:

The process won’t work. Never has and never will.
It’s all because of Bob. And don’t forget Jennifer.
The whole department is a problem.
Things don’t change here. Never will.

As they fed each other new lines of negativity, Nancy and Steve couldn’t get enough. That sweater with its embroidered sun and happy words now looked like the ultimate contradiction. It would have been funny if I didn’t feel so bad for these two people who were stuck in a sinkhole of negativity.

A month later on the other side of the country, I participated in a roundtable dialogue that was meant to focus on motivation. Two of the people were manager friends who worked at the same organization. They weren’t wearing eye-catching sweaters, but they held our ears captive with a nonstop critique of all the terrible things that were happening back at work.

Just like Nancy and Steve, they seemed to be stoking each other’s negativity. Whenever someone at the table offered a different perspective, they’d team up and bat it down — then they’d go back to their endless loop of doom and gloom.

On the flight home, I could hear a conversation in the row behind me. Two colleagues had just wrapped up a big meeting that didn’t go very well and they clearly needed to vent. But they kept venting for a full hour. It sounded like a game of one-upsmanship, with each of them trying to best the other with a bigger example of workplace dysfunction.

I’ve heard it so often that I’ve coined a term: the toxic two-step. It’s always done in pairs, it gets people exercised, it tires them out and it gets them nowhere.

If you’ve been doing the toxic two-step yourself, you know what I’m talking about. You get brief relief by talking about your workplace struggles (real or imagined). Your indignation gets validation through your two-step partner. But...you know deep down that you’re recycling the same old conversation. And you’ll be doing that for...how many more years?

If you don’t indulge in dysfunctional one-on-ones, you might have co-workers who do. You know from experience how they can drag down the collective mood of the workplace.

What can you do?

Here are eight suggestions:

1. HEAR WHAT YOU’RE SAYING:
All too often, we say the same things day after day as if reading from a well-worn script. Try to become more aware of your comments. If you’re always dwelling on the negative, who are you helping?

2. PRESS FOR SPECIFICS:
If someone keeps saying that a process has been fouled up for years, ask them to pinpoint exactly where and why. They’ll either come up with an answer or they’ll offer to find an answer or they’ll evade. If they do the latter, walk away.

3. ENCOURAGE SOLUTIONS:
Instead of simply agreeing with a toxic two-stepper, change the focus of their thinking by asking, "What can you (or we) do about it?" If they respond with a string of generalities, ask them to be specific.

4. INVITE THEM IN:
Say what you will about those non-stop nay-sayers, at least they care enough to complain. Some have years of experience and you might be able to channel it in a positive way. Look for ways to involve them in well-organized efforts aimed at analyzing problems, finding solutions and developing action ideas.

5. ADD A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE:
Sometimes the situation calls for spontaneous teaching. For example, if someone is complaining about those "lazy kid employees who just don’t have our work ethic," you might be able to reframe their thinking with a few facts about generational differences.

6. REFOCUS ON THE PRESENT:
Chronically negative people like to live in the past. They’ll revisit how their bad boss from five years ago did such-and-such to so-and-so or how that team from who-knows-when failed miserably because of no management support. The stories are told so many times that they become generalized and end up shaping people’s perception of the current workplace culture. Whenever you hear these kinds of long-ago references, fast-forward the conversation to the present. Get people talking in specifics about what’s happening now.

7. VIEW PEOPLE AS CAPABLE:
Some people, especially managers, pair up and talk incessantly about the deficiencies of staff. They end up sounding like disappointed parents commenting on their wayward children. If you’re one of these "parents," beware. The parent-child model is a sure way to perpetuate inequality and division in the workplace and it’s exhausting to boot. Try viewing yourself as a coach and make the team’s results everyone’s responsibility.

8. SHOWCASE THE POSITIVE:
Every workplace is filled with accomplishments, success stories, great practices and meaningful results. Make a point of talking about these positives. What we talk about often becomes our future, so don’t take it lightly.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Tom Terez (TomTerez.com) is an international consultant and frequent speaker on organizational performance (BetterWorkplaceNow.com) and personal excellence (InnerBest.com). Copyright 2008 Tom Terez. All rights reserved. Use by permission of the author.

Internet Resources

Better Workplaces Now: http://www.betterworkplacenow.com/articles/index.html (lots of articles)
The Well: Avoid the Toxic Two-Step. Master Positive Coping Skills for a Healthier, Happier Life http://glampress.glam.com/blogs/glamspirit/the_well_avoid_the_toxic_twostepmaster_positive_coping_skills_for_a_healthier_happier_life
The 7 Engagement Imperatives http://www.betterworkplacenow.com/engagement/index.html
Negativity in the workplace: Link to article
Overcoming Negativity in the Workplace http://www.briannorris.com/articles/overcomenegativity.html
Confronting Negativity in the Workplace http://www.ccfbest.org/worklife/confrontingnegative.htm
Tips for Minimizing Workplace Negativity http://humanresources.about.com/od/workrelationships/a/negativity.htm
Turning Negativity into Positive Action http://careerplanning.about.com/od/workplacesurvival/a/negativity.htm
Workplace Negativity: Ways to Beat It http://hrdailyadvisor.blr.com/archive/2006/08/23/workplace_negativity_pessimism_how_to_beat_it.aspx
Combating Workplace Negativity http://www.pmroadtrip.com/art10001.html
Overcoming Negativity in the Workplace http://www.alliancetac.com/?PAGE_ID=237
Combating workplace negativity http://www.medzilla.com/press102202.html
Workplace Negativity Q&A http://faculty.washington.edu/janegf/workplacenegativity.html

Books - Disclosure: We get a small commission for purchases made via links to Amazon.

Transforming Your Dragons: Turning Personality Fear Patterns into Personal Power. Jose Stevens. Bear & Co; (July 1994) ISBN: 1879181177.
7 Obstacles (e-book). José Stevens, 2010. Power Path Seminars. Available at the Power Path Seminars website. This is one segment of a new series of e-books in the PersonEssence System for Understanding People series.
The Personality Puzzle: Solving the Mystery of Who You Are. Jose Stevens, JP Van Hulle. Power Path Seminars; (December 1990) ASIN: 0942663063. Also, available at the Power Path Seminars website.
Managing Workplace Negativity. Gary S. Topchik. Amacom, 2001. ISBN-13: 978-0814405826
Stop Workplace Drama: Train Your Team to have No Complaints, No Excuses and No Regrets. Marlene Chism. Wiley, 2011. ISBN: 978-0470885734
The No Complaining Rule: Positive Ways to Deal with Negativity at Work. Jon Gordon. Wiley, 2008. ISBN-13: 978-0470279496
Yes Lives in the Land of NO: A Tale of Triumph Over Negativity. B.J. Gallagher, Steve Ventura, Todd Graveline. Berrett-Koehler Publishers, 2006. ISBN-13: 978-1576753392
Illuminate: Harnessing the Positive Power of Negative Thinking. David Corbin. Wiley, 2009. ISBN-13: 978-0470455876
The Five Dysfunctions of a Team: A Leadership Fable. Patrick Lencioni. Jossey-Bass, 2002. ISBN-13: 978-0787960759
Income Without a Job: Living Well Without a Paycheck. Michael Jay Anthony, Barbara J. Taylor. Lulu.com, 2008 ISBN-13: 978-0-557-00377-8. Website: www.income-without-a-job.com. Tap into your own creativity and use your full potential. Learn how to see opportunities that others miss.

Articles

The Lighter Side

15 Funny Jokes to Take to Work http://ezinearticles.com/?15-Funny-Jokes-to-Take-to-Work&id=4188633
1440 Beautiful Moments http://ezinearticles.com/?1440-Beautiful-Moments&id=6113452
Tech Support ~ How to Install Love http://www.itstime.com/installlove.htm

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