February 2006 - Compassionate Communication

Compassionate Communication; Two Ways to Communicate; Giraffe and Jackal Language; See Me Beautiful; Tips for Practicing Compassionate Communication; Resources (links, books, articles, music)
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Compassionate Communication

This time of year, when winter is the coldest in many parts of the U.S., we long for a rest, to be able to stay in bed without having to venture out into the cold. Our minds start longing for Spring, or we get depressed from lack of sunshine or frustrated by having to stay indoors most of the time. We start to notice the small signs of hope that early spring brings — daffodils and tulips peaking up through the ground, buds forming on the bushes and flowers, days getting longer. Others that are adventurous outdoors types, love the snow and winter sports, thrilled by the aliveness that brisk winter air brings for them.

Following the end-of-year holidays of November and December, many companies start ramping up hard in January though most people would rather work a bit more slowly. As we look toward February and Valentine’s Day, many of us would rather think about those we love rather than those we don’t.

How do we reconcile these conflicting desires, interests and priorities?

One way is simply to recognize that we are all different. We can be gentler with each other, be more tolerant of each other, enjoy our diversity rather than expecting everyone else to do what we want to do or think the same way we do.

In the area of communication, we can try to make our words more positive and less negative.

I heard someone speak last week who described the way our culture trains children. We punish, blame and threaten children who do not behave, then we expect that will make them behave or be better people. When they grow up, they copy the same behavior by punishing, blaming and threatening others. It struck me as I listened, There is something wrong with this picture!

Can you imagine how a child might develop fully in a positive way if they were told every day how talented they are, how much they are loved, what great joy they bring to their parents and that they are great addition to the world?

Can you see how a child being told every day that they are stupid, that they can’t do anything right and that they will be sent away for being bad might prevent them from fully fulfilling their potential?

What we learn as children carries forward into our adult lives and into the workplace. Those who were constantly criticized as a child may only know how to communicate in a way of blaming, criticizing, degrading or expressing anger.

Two ways to communicate

There are much more effective ways to communicate to get what you want. For example, here are two versions of the same communication:

Dear J, Because of your stupid technology upgrade, our office can no longer access the Internet. How do you expect us to do our jobs when you idiots constantly change our computers without telling us! I demand that our problems be fixed IMMEDIATELY!!
Dear J, It seems that our computers are no longer able to access the Internet following a recent network upgrade. Could we get your assistance in figuring out how access the Internet again as we did before the upgrade? Our staff really need Internet access all day long to do research for our projects, visit customer websites and look up product information for our customers. We really appreciate your attention to this issue as quickly as possible. I am available to meet with you this afternoon or tomorrow morning. Our office staff are willing to make time available to assist in any way we can.

Try reading those two communications out loud to yourself. How do you sound? How does your body feel? Can you hear and feel the differences?

As you read those two versions, which sounds more like what you do regularly? Can you see familiar patterns in the way your co-workers communicate?

How do you feel when you read the first one? Does it raise your blood pressure or make your stomach clench?

How do you feel when you read the second one? Does it make you feel calmer and more willing to help?

If you are on the receiving end of the first communication, would you feel likely to respond in anger or would you feel willing to resolve the issue quickly?

Again, if you are on the receiving of the second communication, would you feel likely to respond positively and to try to resolve the issue quickly?

Giraffe and Jackal Language

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, founder of the Center for Non-Violent Communication, talks about the two types of communication as "Giraffe" and "Jackal" ^[1]

The Giraffe has the largest heart of any land animal, so Giraffe communication comes from the heart. Jackal language makes demands, denies responsibility, blames, threatens and denigrates others.

Dr. Rosenberg describes the differences this way:

So let me give you an idea of what a jackal-speaking teacher sounds like. Let’s imagine that you are my students and I’m the teacher, and I happen to observe one of you doing something that’s not in harmony with my values. I see you sitting at your seat, and instead of doing what I’m asking the class to do, you’re drawing a picture of me with a knife in my back and blood spurting out.

Now, how do I evaluate you if I am a jackal-speaking teacher? It’s obvious: You’re emotionally disturbed. This is how jackal-speaking people have been trained to think.

When there is a conflict, they think in terms of what is wrong with the person who’s behaving in a way that is in conflict with their values.

Or let’s say that you don’t understand something I’ve said. "You’re a slow learner."

But what if you say some things that I don’t understand? "You’re rude and socially inappropriate."

What if I speak so rapidly you can’t follow me? "You have an auditory problem."

What if you speak so rapidly I can’t follow you? "You have an articulation problem."

So you see, jackal education is a very strange experience. Let me give you an example of what happens in jackal schools.

Imagine that you are a car salesman and you’re not selling any cars. Well, you fire the customers. T hat might seem like a strange experience, but in the jackal schools that I went to, that’s what happened. This language of jackal was the primary language used. If you didn’t measure up, you were not promoted, not rewarded, and so forth.

So I saw that the language that really helped people to teach in a way that I valued was a very different language from the language that I was educated to speak.

Why did I call it giraffe language? Well, giraffes have the largest heart of any land animal. As I’ll try to show you in our time together this morning, the language of Nonviolent Communication is a language of the heart. It requires knowing how to speak always from your heart, and since giraffes have the largest heart of any land animal, what better name for a language of the heart than "giraffe?"

Now, let me share with you this language of giraffe, or Nonviolent Communication [NVC]. I’ll try to show you how it might apply in conflict resolution with students, or with other teachers or parents.

NVC requires us to be continually conscious of the beauty within ourselves and other people. There’s a song I’d like to sing for you to help get us in the mood for understanding the mechanics of Nonviolent Communication. I would guess that many of you might already be familiar with this song. It was written by a couple named Red and Kathy Grammer, and some of the Montessori schools I’ve been working with lately have been using their music for teaching purposes. I find that people I work with all over the world like this song. It’s a song called, "See Me Beautiful."

"See Me Beautiful"

Look for the best in me
That’s what I really am
And all I want to be
It may take some time
It may be hard to find
But see me beautiful

See me beautiful
Each and every day
Could you take a chance
Could you find the way
To see me shining through
In everything I do
And see me beautiful’

So, back to my example of corporate communication. If we know that we can encourage others to help us by treating them respectfully, we can compose our communications in a way that asks them for their assistance without judging them, blaming them, degrading or demeaning them in the process. We can assume that they are willing to assist us if we state our needs clearly and positively as in the second communication example.

No matter what your job, your vocation or your station in life, changing the way you communicate can make you a much more powerful and successful person, improve your chances for job promotion, improve your personal relationships and actually make you healthier. Why, healthier? Well, studies have shown that anger, suppressed frustration and destructive energy are actually damaging to our bodies as well as our psyche.

Tips for Practicing Compassionate Communication

Don’t take my word for it. Try it out for yourself.

For the next month, practice with any communication you have to make – could be a letter, a speech, a presentation, a conversation or a simple e-mail. Write it out in draft form then very carefully look for any anger, blame, judgment, criticising, degrading or demeaning language. Change that language using the second example above in these ways:

Smile when you are doing this. Laugh out loud if possible to set the mood.
Think about someone you love. Hold a mental picture of them, or look at a picture of them. Think about why they are so special to you.

Now, start working on your communication:

Address other people as competent, hard-working people who are trying to do the best job they can every day.
Notice what they do well. Tell them that.
Know that someone loves them and cares deeply for them.
Visualize and try to feel how grateful you will be when they work with you to solve whatever issue you are asking for them help with.
Thank people for their help.
Express your appreciation for their assistance.

Review your communication again and notice how it has changed from your first draft. When you are comfortable with it, send it or deliver it. Pay attention to the results you get. Are they any different from what you got if you have sent or said things in a hurry, or been more negative?

Though constant practice and paying attention to the impact of your communication, you will fairly quickly learn to start in a positive way and overcome any "jackal" training you may have had as a child. When under stress or tired, you may find you revert to the jackal training. That’s natural and normal. Simply apologize and restate your communication in a positive way and others will usually be understanding.

Even if others are not communicating in a positive way, you can. Simply step back and acknowledge that maybe they are under stress or following their unconscious early training. If you keep being positive, you will see the dynamics change over time, even with your worst enemies or detractors.

Each small step one person takes ripples out and affects so many more people, that it is impossible to calculate the full impact. Think about how good you feel when someone greets you with enthusiasm or someone does something unexpectedly kind for you. You feel better and treat others better, then they treat others better and so on. The same happens when someone is very rude; people react and continue that negativity with others throughout the day.

You can be the change that you want to see in the world.

I sincerely hope that through small efforts like this article, we can influence a few people to join in making the world a kinder, more compassionate place. There are some good references listed for more information on this subject.

A Season for Nonviolence, January 30 - April 4, is a national 64-day educational, media and grassroots campaign dedicated to demonstrating that nonviolence is a powerful way to heal, transform and empower our lives and our communities. Inspired by the 50^th and 30^th memorial anniversaries of Mahatma Gandhi and Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., this international event honors their vision for an empowered, nonviolent world.

Internet Resources

Center for Non-Violent Communication http://www.cnvc.org/
Interview with Marshall B. Rosenberg: http://www.yesmagazine.org/article.asp?ID=837
2006 Gandhi & King: A Season for Nonviolencehttp://www.agnt.org/snv02.htm

Free Falling album lyrics by Red and Kathy Grammer http://www.redgrammer.com/lyrics2.html
"I Have a Dream," Dr. Martin Luther King http://www.itstime.com/aug97.htm#dream
The Puget Sound Network for Compassionate Communication www.psncc.org

Books - Disclosure: We get a small commission for purchases made via links to Amazon.

[1] Excerpt from the booklet: Teaching Children Compassionately, a nonviolent Communication presentation and workshop transcription by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D. available from http://www.cnvc.org/matls.htm

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D, Puddledancer Press, 2003 ISBN: 1892005034. Many others by Dr. Rosenberg listed on Amazon

Articles

Improving Communication with Patients http://www.hosppract.com/issues/2000/04/dmmlev.htm
64 Ways & 64 Days For Families http://www.agnt.org/fam64ways.htm
Daily Commitments to Live By http://www.agnt.org/snv64ways.htm
Family Pledge of Nonviolence http://www.ipj-ppj.org/pledge.html
Family communication http://www.uihealthcare.com/topics/parentingfamilylife/pare3188.html
Communication in Intimate Relationships http://www.med.umich.edu/1libr/wha/wha_verb_bha.htm
Communication breakdown http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/mens_health/you_breakdown.shtml
Anger and Health - An Update
7 Incredible Lifesaving Tips to Manage Your Anger
How To Manage Your Anger http://health.indiatimes.com/articleshow/868719.cms
Anger kills http://www.abc.net.au/rn/talks/8.30/helthrpt/stories/s10309.htm

Music

Down by the Riverside (words and music)
http://www.scoutsongs.com/lyrics/downbyriverside.html
Where Have all the Flowers Gone? (words and music), Pete Seeger
http://www.niehs.nih.gov/kids/lyrics/flowrsgone.htm
Blowing in the Wind (words and music), Bob Dylan
http://www.niehs.nih.gov/kids/lyrics/blowing.htm
Love Can Build a Bridge (words), Naomi and Wynonna Judd
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/j/judds,-the/76356.html

About our resource links: We do not endorse or agree with all the beliefs in these links. We do keep an open mind about different viewpoints and respect the ability of our readers to decide for themselves what is useful.

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