Outsourcing and UFOs

by Shepherd Hoodwin

August 2007

Have you noticed that, during the past number of years, customer service in the Universe has deteriorated sharply? For example, I know someone who asked the Universe for a million dollars over thirty years ago, and she's still waiting! That never would have happened a few generations ago. Of course, a few generations ago, she probably would have been dead by now, but still.

During this same time, there has been a huge increase in UFOs all over the world. A coincidence? I think not.

In addition to the population explosion in general, there are rapidly expanding numbers of people trying to create their own reality with the help of the Universe. It started small, with winning friends and influencing people. Then it moved into positive thinking. Once Oprah went into syndication, there was no turning back, and now we have The Secret.

Once, The Secret was an ice-blue deodorant whose only goal was to keep people cool, calm and collected, but now it promises the sky.

It's not hard to understand the appeal of this trend. The generic default human reality is pretty crummy — quality control has been atrocious, and investment in R&D has been minimal. The relentless focus on the bottom line has resulted in appalling short-sightedness that has imperiled the planet's very existence. So it's natural that people want to upgrade to a premium reality if they can.

However, the predictable result of so many do-it-yourself-ers is that the Universe's tech support and customer service centers are severely overworked and spread thin. Now that everyone is screaming "Gimme! Gimme!", the stress levels for angels and spirit guides have skyrocketed — expectations are so high. Spirit guides now need their own spirit guides to cope.

For example, miracles used to be for special occasions, like photo-ops and new scriptures, but now people want every cold eliminated in seconds. Sure, people used to ask for Peace on Earth once a year, but they didn't really mean it. Throughout much of history, most people were happy with their guides if no one found out about their illegitimate children or they didn't die of the Plague.

Now, people not only expect a soul mate who is physically fit and will cater to their every need without being asked, they also demand a successful career of their own choosing and flat screen televisions at least double their waist size. No wonder so many celestial helpers are burning out, and few newborn souls are going into the business. A surprising number of former guides are taking on human bodies themselves; after helping some of their former clients get rich quick, they decided to try their own luck at it. Of course, it's not as easy as it looks.

So what does any of this have to do with UFOs? Isn't it obvious? God was forced by market conditions to start outsourcing. There are a lot of people on much more technologically advanced planets who would be bored to tears if they still had any emotions. Their reality shows consist of robots drilling for precious metals on smoking ruins of planets. God rightly figured that they would find our planet's residents more entertaining than that. Having a hands-on experience would be even more rewarding for them (sort of like eco-tourism here).

So God created a new reality show called "Survivor: Terra."

The deal with the extraterrestrials is that they sign on to help with customer support here, answering prayers, offering guidance, and that sort of thing. Whoever lasts the longest and can still pass a standard sanity test will win a hundred kilos of zinc, which is worth the equivalent of about fifty-three billion dollars here. So, as you can see, the stakes are high. God lets them record it for the viewers back home (all those flying saucers are equipped with high-def cameras). It's a win-win — the highlights collection on orange-ray disc is already the all-time bestseller in several galaxies, in both the comedy and drama genres. However, the contestants are dropping like flies, and no one yet knows God's Plan for when the game is over. There is speculation that at least some of the former lightworkers will want their old jobs back after a century or so of rest or incarnation, especially as humanity further evolves, the software is improved, and some of the kinks are worked out of the system. Let's hope so.

The big problem for Earthlings with outsourcing has been the poor training. In the past, angels and guides had centuries of preparation and apprenticeship. Today's angels are often rushed into service after a few days. Every time a cell phone rings, that's one of them getting its wings, but it doesn't mean anything anymore — they get wings just for showing up to work sober.

They can understand our languages (barely) but they don't really know what they're talking about. You can tell that they're reading from a script.

So when you cry out in distress, "Help me, God!" (or Allah, or the Universe Whatever) or "Why is this happening to me?" they read, "I'm so sorry that you're having trouble with the physical plane. But don't worry. Everything is for a reason."

Of course, you reply, "But what's the reason? I really need to know." You hear them frantically clicking buttons trying to find in the database where it tells them what to say. Then, "Please hold."

Several minutes pass. Then they say, "Thank you very much for holding. The reason is that you have lessons to learn."

"What lessons?"

"Please hold." The angelic music comes on. Then you're cut off.

You redial.

"You've reached the Universe. For quality purposes, your call may be recorded or monitored. For Earthling, press 1; for Martian, 2. Thank you. Please enter your forty-nine digit soul number." (You shuffle through papers and finally find it.)

"For Customer Service, press 1; for technical support, 2; for karmic bill payments 3; to complain about the weather, 4; to complain about significant others and family members, 5; for all other complaints, 6; and for winning lotto numbers, 7. For extension 8, please press 9. If this is an emergency, hang up and call the Angelic Special Weapons and Tactics Unit at 1-777-SWAT-911."

You press 2.

"Thank you for calling Heaven. This is John. How may I be of service?"

You explain everything from the beginning.

"Please hold . . . . Thank you for holding. Yes, I have the answer for you. You need to learn patience."

"Oh, well, that's true. I guess you're right. I'll work on that. Thanks a lot."

"Is there anything else I can help you with?"

"No, that's fine. Thank you very much."

"And thank you for doing business with God. We know that you have a choice of deities and we're working hard to earn your satisfaction."

"Yeah, right. Okay."

So you practice being patient, but three more days pass and your soul mate still hasn't shown up. So you call back again and you notice the same accent.

"Thank you for calling Heaven. My name is Suzan. How may I be of service?"

You speak slowly while trying to put things together. "Hi, Suzan. How are you today?"

"I'm fine. Thank you for asking."

"I'm just curious . . . Are you really one of my guides?"

Long pause.

"Please hold . . . . . Thank you very much for holding. Yes, I work for God, from an off-site call center in order to serve you better. How may I help you?"

Off-site? How off-site? you wonder. Trying to sound friendly and non-threatening, you continue, "So where are you from, Suzan?"

"I am from the Planet Zgirdoo."

"Oh. How's the weather there?"

"It's a beautiful day. We're having a gas storm."

"Nice. Okay, well, I was just wondering where my soul mate is. I've been waiting for a long time."

"I understand. Let me look up your database . . . . .Ah, yes, here it is. According to our records, you have to love yourself more."

"But my friend Jill has an adorable hunky husband, and she's a mess. She hates herself! Why do I have to love myself first?"

"It is the lesson you chose for this lifetime."

"Do you say that to everyone who calls?"

"No. It is written right here in your Akashic Record, Mary, that your main lesson is to love yourself."

"I'm not Mary. I'm Marilyn. Marilyn Wilson, of 327 Elm Drive, in Kansas, Nebraska."

"Please hold."

So, customer service isn't what it used to be. What's an Earthling to do?

The same thing you do with your computer. Find an eleven-year-old. Kids already know this stuff. They don't have to be a Crystal or Indigo Child, a Starseed, or even be in the gifted program at school. Any normal kid will do, as long as you didn't screw her up too much. That's what Marilyn did — she talked to her daughter, Summer Moonbeam. With the simple wisdom of innocence, Summer replied, "Mom, we are so going shopping and getting you a vibrator."

Out of the mouths of babes!

Summer also helped Marilyn download some great videos.

ADDENDUM TO "OUTSOURCING AND UFOS":

I may have left readers with an overly negative picture of the Universe. Despite some problems with outsourcing, last year's survey showed customer satisfaction at 89%, beating the Earth's leader, Apple Computer, which had its best year ever at 83%. The Universe had less than half the unfavorable ratings of its nearest competitor, Microsoft*, which scored 70, and easily bested its old rival Satan, Inc., which scored a paltry 47.

The Universe had its best year in 486 A.D., when it was rated a stellar 96%. However, women and slaves were not allowed to participate in that year's survey. Adjusted for that, it is estimated that its rating would have been 91%. So, even with today's raised expectations, the Universe is still earning high marks from most of its customers.

Despite that, God is trying to do even better. In a recent interview, God's spokesperson, Jesus H. Christ, said, "God takes customer satisfaction very seriously and is focused on improving the quality of our service. We've increased training at our call centers, and are committed to reducing long wait times and difficulties with consumers getting their questions answered."

In addition, the Universe has a number of new programs aimed at increasing user-friendliness. For example, on its newly designed website (http://www.theuniverse.com), there is a page where you can enter the name of any multi-level marketing company and calculate how much money and time you are likely to lose, as well as how rich you are likely to make the owner, before you lose interest. It can also calculate how much product you will still have in five year increments, in case you want to give it away before the labels fall off. The company is betting on innovations like this to push its numbers back into the 90s.

However, perhaps the Universe's biggest challenge to raising its numbers is in public relations. Christ took pains to point out that God has no control over elections or the behavior of independent contractors such as priests. "Some of those who voted for Bush/Cheney now blame us for them," he said, "although I think that most of our customers do understand that, by law, we are not permitted to vote. I should also point out that God has no control over exploding laptop batteries. We are strictly a spiritual company."

The current fiscal year's numbers will be released next month.

Footnote: (*) As with most major brands, Microsoft, although a wholly owned subsidiary of Satan, Inc., is rated individually.

About the Author:

Shepherd Hoodwin has been channeling since 1986 and specializes in the fascinating Michael teachings. He also does Intuitive Readings and leads workshops. Contact Shepherd: sgh [at] summerjoy [dot] com or http://shepherdhoodwin.com

Books - Disclosure: We get a small commission for purchases made via links to Amazon.

The Journey of Your Soul: A Channel Explores Channeling and the Michael Teachings. Shepherd Hoodwin. Summerjoy Press, ISBN: 1885469071
Loving From Your Soul: Creating Powerful Relationships. Shepherd Hoodwin. Summerjoy Press, ISBN: 1885469020
Meditations for Self-Discovery: Guided Journeys for Communicating with Your Inner Self. Shepherd Hoodwin. Summerjoy Press, ISBN: 1885469012

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